


The Revengers have a Bachelor Party

by MarvelFic1984



Category: Thor (Movies)
Genre: Gen, Post-Thor: Ragnarok (2017), Revengers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-25
Updated: 2019-02-25
Packaged: 2019-11-05 07:37:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17914601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarvelFic1984/pseuds/MarvelFic1984
Summary: Thor, Loki, and Brunnhilde are refugees on Earth following the events of the Infinity War which they all presumably survived.  As usual, Loki wasted no time finding himself a local lover and he's engaged to be married.  Thor seizes the opportunity to throw him a party.  But it doesn't exactly go according to plan.





	The Revengers have a Bachelor Party

**Author's Note:**

> This is a modified segment of my larger work, the four part series "Loki on Earth." I made some changes so it could be a one-off. This was written between the release of Infinity War and End Game. I'm assuming everyone is alive including Loki and they find their way to Earth. Hope you have as much fun reading as I had writing!

“It’s also traditional that you give me a ring.” She explained to him as they strolled, hand in hand, up towards the palace for breakfast.  Of all of the events that had transpired in the prior 24 hours that had given him joy, she believed that receiving assurance he was welcome to receive his meals at the palace ranked far too high on his list.

“What for?” He inquired curiously.

“It lets people know I’m spoken for.” 

“People know you’re spoken for.  I’m quite famous. Remember we had to flee from the photographers.”

“Well, yes, but it’s traditional.”

“And what do I get?”

“A bride.”

“Eventually but you get a ring now.  I don’t get anything to show that I’m betrothed?”

“Well, no.  Usually on Earth men don’t have to fend off so many suitors.”

He chuckled.  “That’s not my experience.  I get plenty of suitors.”

“You don’t fend them off though.” She remarked.

“Why would I do that?” He said it like a joke but it rang of truth.

“What I’m hearing is I’m not getting any kind of ring.” She pouted.

“Hmm.” He thought for a minute and reached up into his pocket and pulled out a large ring boasting a beautiful stone of honeyed amber.  Inside she saw a silhouette that looked like a little fairy, although he assured her it was just an insect on Asgard and not a fossilized fairy.

“It was mother’s.”

“When did you pinch it?”

“I didn’t pinch it, I inherited it.” He scoffed.

“Officially?”

“She would have wanted me to have it.” He said with confidence.

“There it is.”

“Well, Thor wouldn’t wear it.  Thor doesn’t appreciate beautiful, delicate things.”  He turned the ring over in his hands. “I suppose it’s a bit big for you now,” he remarked, waving his hand over the ring to resize it.

“Now that’s a cool trick,” she complimented.

“You should be able to do it now.”  He slid the ring onto the finger she indicated was the right one.  “Focus on making it fit your finger.” She looked at him incredulously for a moment but found he was right.  In fact, it came surprisingly easily. He smiled. “Thank goodness. I do not know how humans function having to carry clothing around in a bag and take it to a professional every time you gain or lose a few pounds or tear a seam.”

She giggled.  “I love it, it’s beautiful.  Do you think Frigga would like to see me with this?”

He placed a kiss on the ring.  “There’s nothing she would love more than to see you smile at that ring.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Following their usual yard exercises, Loki and Thor were arguing about their time on Sakaar.

“Your precious Grandmaster rigged the fight against me and you wagered that I would lose.”  Thor admittedly had legitimate complaints.

“No one else wagered that you would last two minutes, I wagered that you would survive.”

“You bet in my favor?  You told me you bet against me.”  

Loki shrugged.  “I lied to you. My wager may have changed if I’d known who it was.”  

“What did you win?”

“Just a little treasure from someone far too drunk to know its real value.”

“Speaking of decisions you make when you’re drunk, how far away is the wedding?”

As usual Loki read between the lines of his brother’s remark.  “We are not having an Asgardian bachelor party. There wouldn’t be any survivors.”

“We are absolutely having an Asgardian bachelor party.  We will reunite the Revengers.”

“Brunhilde isn’t eligible for,” but he stopped himself mid-sentence, “you have a point.”

“Right?”

“Fine.  But only because I want to see a girl best you at feats of strength.”

“Done.”  Thor swung his hammer and launched himself upwards, presumably off to gather their scattered friends.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I’m not going to unleash the Hulk just for a bachelor party.”

The small plane had landed on the uninhabited island that Thor had chosen just for the occasion.  Valkyrie, Bruce, Thor and Loki were preparing to disembark as Thor had begun to lay out the plans for the afternoon.

“Bruce, the feats to be accomplished will be impossible for you to do unless you bring Hulk.”

“Were you inviting me to the party or just him?” Bruce sounded betrayed.

“You’re both invited!  You’re invited for the plane ride over and breakfast in the morning.  Hulk is invited to the rest of it.” Thor explained with a smile.

“That’s the whole party.  No, I want to be here, I want to see what happens at an Asgardian bachelor party.”

“I have to warn you, it’s not going to be the full experience.  I’m doing my best to replicate the hazards but it won’t be the same.”

“Thor, are you the only one of us who’s actually been to an Asgardian bachelor party?” Valkyrie quipped while she took a swig from a large flask.

“Hey,” Loki said, clearly taking offense.

“Actually Loki got invited to a great many back on Asgard.” Thor added.

“Really?” Valkyrie laughed.  “Why is one of the feats sending someone skinny down a pipe or something?”

“Well aren’t we off to a great start.” Loki was already sulking which was oddly fitting for a party in his honor.

“Brunhilde I’ve barely seen you since we reached Midgard, how have you been?” Thor asked, changing the subject.

“I’ve been amazing.  I have one of these little boxes yeah,” she held up a smart phone, “you can look through pictures of people and if you choose it they go on a date with you.”

Bruce looked at her incredulously.  “I don’t think those apps work that way, did you find an escort service or something?”

“No, dating apps work that way.  You swipe someone and they go on a date with you.”

“Everyone you’ve swiped has gone on a date with you?” Bruce asked.  She nodded, taking another swig. He shook his head. “I don’t know why I’m surprised.”

“Shall we commence?” Thor boomed, taking a place facing the other three with his bare arms crossed.  Met with three relatively blank stares he began reciting his script. “I am told one among you seeks to prove he is man enough to wed.  Who is here to declare it so?”

Loki gave a half-hearted little wave.

“Who is here to declare it so?” Thor said, louder in his most kingly voice.

Loki sighed.  “I am.”

“Declare the brave warriors who are to accompany you on your quest to manhood.”

“Thor, there’s no one here but you three.”

“Loki, please, this may be the only one I ever get to do as king of Asgard.”

“It’s a little unprecedented for the king to be one of the warriors.” Loki scoffed.

“All of this is unprecedented, come on, let’s start again.  Declare the brave warriors who are,”

“Thor, Brunhilde and Bruce here.” He waved his hand in their direction.

“Then leave here welp with the gathered company and return henceforth tomorrow a man, worthy and ready to wed the fair maiden.” Thor looked exceedingly pleased with himself.

“Leave where, this is a small island.”

“It’s just an expression Loki, can you please be a good sport.”

“When have I ever been a good sport?” Loki smirked.

“So, when do we start? I’m excited, I’ve heard stories but never attended one of these.” Valkyrie wiped her mouth and put her flask back in its holster at her side-arm.

“Right now!” Thor exclaimed excitedly.  “Behold, our first task. The slaying of the great beast!”  He pulled out a remote control and lowered the cargo bay door on the plane.  A long scaled snout tentatively poked its nose out of the opening.

“Thor that’s a twelve foot crocodile!” Bruce exclaimed, leaping behind Valkyrie for safety.  She chuckled with delight as she walked closer to inspect the beast.

“I know it’s small but it’s the biggest thing anyone would let me ship here on short notice.  But exercise caution friends! Its jaws have the strength of fifty men as they close and it will eat you…” Thor was interrupted.

“Thor we can’t kill that, it’s endangered.”

“What?”

“I think that’s an endangered species, we can’t slay that.  Who gave you this?” Bruce asked, still skulking in the back.

“A zoo.  But what will we eat if we can’t slay this?”

“There doesn’t look to be much meat on it at any rate,” Loki said with a little disdain, keeping his distance.

“I didn’t know what an Asgardian bachelor party involved so I brought some hamburger patties and tater tots in one of the coolers that’s on the plane.” Bruce offered nervously.

“What’s a hamburger?” Loki asked.

“It’s like a round patty of meat that you eat on a bun, like a bread roll.  I brought those too.” Bruce used his hands to indicate how a hamburger was made to the gathered company.

“Why is it round?” Loki asked.

“Well, the meat is ground up and then shaped into a circle so it fits on the bread.” Bruce never thought this was a concept he would have to explain to someone.

“With the bones and everything?” Loki looked disgusted.

“No the bones are taken out I’m pretty sure.”  Loki put his hand on his stomach in anticipation of being sick.  “They’re really good I promise, better than crocodile.” Bruce reassured him.

Thor clapped Bruce on the shoulder.  “I’m sure they’ll be great. Thank you Bruce for your thoughtful offering to the party.  Okay, if we can’t slay the beast, we at least need to capture it without falling prey to its mighty jaws which…” he was interrupted again.

“Got it.” Valkyrie called out.  The men looked over and indeed she was sitting astride the crocodile whose jaws she had tied shut with a rope.  No one asked where the rope came from.

“Oh, okay.” Thor tried to hide his disappointment.  “Victory then on this, the first stage of our quest!”  He held his hands up triumphantly.

“I feel more a man already.” Loki declared entirely deadpan.

“Please Loki,” Thor loudly whispered to his ungrateful brother.

“I am just waiting for the good part.” Loki returned, not bothering to whisper.  “What’s next.”

“Well, the feats of strength I had planned were to pit myself and Loki against Brunhilde and the Hulk.” Thor rubbed the back of his head thoughtfully.

“I’ll take on you both myself, I don’t need him.” Valkyrie retorted, having gotten her drink back out, still astride the crocodile.

“Um, I’m not sure,” Thor waffled as Valkyrie jumped up, hoisted the crocodile back in the cargo hold, and jumped to her feet, punching pugilistically while dancing from foot to foot.  

“What’s the game then?” she asked, still on her toes.  Thor went to the plane and came back out with a large, thick chain that he laid on the ground.  

“First, we simply try to pull each other off our feet on this chain.  Let’s see if we can get an even fight with some division of the three of us.”  He and Loki went to one side of the chain at Valkyrie’s direction and she went to the other, spitting on each hand before she picked up her end of the chain with a smile.  Loki and Thor picked up the other end. Bruce stood back.

“Bruce, count us down.”

“Okay.  On the count of three.  One, two,” but Valkyrie gave the chain a yank before they reached three.  Loki and Thor were holding on tightly enough that they stumbled forward without falling and started to pull back.  After only a few seconds, the chain which was iron and thicker than an average man’s wrist, a chain often used to tow ships to port, snapped in two.

Thor looked disappointed again.  “This was the strongest chain I could find on Midgard.”

“No matter, what’s the next feat of strength?” Valkyrie asked.

“All the ones I had planned involved that chain.” Thor sighed and sat down defeated on a nearby rock.  “I’m sorry Loki, this is turning out to be a bust so far.”

“It’s okay, it’s just in keeping with my entire life to date.  An endless string of disappointments.” He patted his brother gently on the shoulder.

“Loki.” Thor glared.

“Surely there’s something else we can do,” Bruce chimed in.

“Well, usually after the feats of strength we would roast the beast we had slain and then sit around the fire all night telling tales of our glorious victories in battle and getting completely drunk.” Thor said discouraged.

“Why don’t we skip straight to that part, I’ll get the hamburgers.” Bruce walked back towards the plane.

“I’m sorry Loki, I should have planned better.”

Loki smiled.  “I’ll go help Bruce.”  Bruce was, at that moment, struggling to pull two coolers side by side to the edge of the stairs coming down from the plane as Loki rushed up and lifted one.  Valkyrie went and grabbed the other. Bruce got back on the plane and came out with a little pack that had a bed roll and a sleeping bag attached to the bottom of it.

As Thor went out to grab a log that was the better part of an entire tree to get the campfire started, he looked back at his brother who was eagerly arranging stones to serve as seats and a fire pit.  He smiled to himself. The stories were always Loki’s favorite part of these parties. This was hardly the first time Loki had cut short athletic activities to tell stories instead.

Valkyrie and Bruce soon saw why it was that Loki got so many bachelor party invitations as they began to tell their battle stories over their roasting ground meat patties.  As Valkyrie began her first tale, the image of a little white pegasus leapt over the fire. She gasped for a second and looked at Loki who smiled and motioned for her to continue.  Her tale of the Valkyrie was accompanied throughout by vivid images of clanging swords and winged horses, swirling around their campsite, as the group felt entirely immersed in the battle.  Each of their stories was brought to life this way through a series of illusions and sounds improvised by the trickster.

He saved his own stories for last.  It was his party after all.

Nearly life sized, he wove the tale of the time he and his brother traveled to Jotunheim and fought a whole army of frost giants before Odin came to intervene.  And the time they slew the dark elves who had killed their mother trying to steal the reality stone. When everyone was good and drunk, he retold the glorious tale of the Revengers and their epic battle that culminated in Ragnarok.

“Wow, it’s almost like I was really there,” Bruce said, looking around at the illusions that surrounded them.

“You were really there,” Valkyrie slurred to him, taking another swig from her third bottle of straight whiskey.

“Oh yeah.  Gimme a break I’ve had like three and a half beers.”

Usually at such a party the group would have stayed up until the dawn, but since they had started drinking before noon, one by one they dozed off as the night progressed.  Bruce, still in human form, was the first to fall asleep on his carefully arranged bed roll inside his sleeping bag. He had even brought a pillow. Thor and Valkyrie had not bothered to set out bedding, both falling asleep with their heads on the rocks that had previously served as their seats, as cozy on stones as they would have been in feather beds.

Loki, who had conjured for himself a simple futon-like mat, laid down last, wrapping up his story as he sensed his brother finally dozing off.  As he drifted off to sleep, he drifted even further into the Odinsleep and found himself feeling entirely sober, despite all he had to drink, in the grand palace of Valhalla.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Loki had not found himself alone in the halls of Valhalla previously.  He had not pulled himself to Valhalla so he was surprised not to be greeted by whomever had brought him to the Odinsleep.  A torch was mounted on the wall beside him. He didn’t take the torch, however, choosing instead to pick up the flame itself.  He swirled his fingers over it and then tossed it in the air like a ball. Soon, the entire hall was flooded with daylight.

At least some of his tricks worked in Valhalla, he thought smugly to himself. He looked around the room where he had arrived.  He had to admit, the halls of Valhalla made the palace of Asgard look paltry by comparison. 

Much like the throne room of Asgard, only grander and more vivid, this room boasted enormous murals across the ceiling and all around the walls.  Images of gods he surmised from context were the ancestors of Thor and Odin he had read about, riding chariots through the night sky and fighting great battles.  Pegasus mounted Valkyrie were scattered throughout these murals, flying into battle with their swords and spears ahead of them. He marveled at the secrets that had been kept from him his entire life, including that these cavalry had at one time been led by Odin’s true first born Hela.

He wondered what other secrets remained to be uncovered.  He had discovered only weeks ago that there must be at least one.

He walked through an open vaulted doorway into the next room.  The images in here came from a more familiar era. He saw Odin and Hela depicted conquering the nine realms, their weapons being forged in Nidavellir by the great dwarves.  The fall of the Valkyrie. The birth of Thor and the creation of Mjolnir.

Then, to his surprise, he saw himself.  He saw his deeds and tricks throughout the centuries, his shining horns, flowing cape, and mischievous smile.  And in every panel that featured himself, he saw Thor. In every panel with Thor, he saw himself. Even here in the halls of Valhalla, they could not escape each other.  Black swirling clouds of shadow swirled around his images in his deep emerald garb, juxtaposed against the beaming gold surrounding those of Thor’s red cape. Side by side or across from each other, it was all the same in picture after picture.  The yin and the yang. The darkness and the light. As inseparable as they are different.

At the end of the room, he saw Ragnarok.  Himself, Thor, Valkyrie, Heimdall, Hela, Surtur, Skurge, even Hulk, depicted in glorious battle on the bridge to the bifrost.  He flattered himself that he did justice to this scene with his retelling illusions and wondered who might be the artist behind the drawings.

“They appear as they happen and are strengthened and embellished by the legends of their retelling,” came a booming voice from the next room over.  “They glowed brightly tonight as that human Bruce listened to your every word. I know there were those on Asgard who thought the stories were the least critical part of our coming of age ceremonies, but actually,” Odin came out of the darkness and into the doorway, “the stories are all we are.  Hello son.”

“Father, what are these halls?”

“These halls form with each new era of Asgard.  The last era ended with Ragnarok.” Odin beckoned for Loki to follow him into the next room.  “Our strength in Valhalla comes from the belief of the citizens of the realms in us and our power to protect them, serve them, help them.  Right now on Midgard, your betrothed is learning that this comes with a cost. We are as subject to their requests as they are to our powers.”

Loki looked at the murals in the room they were in.  At the beginning was the conflict with Thanos. For the first time, Loki and Thor’s paths in the murals parted.  Instead of the black and gold backdrops behind them, these murals glowed with the colors of the stones of the universe.  Almost surreal colored images depicted Thor absorbing the heat of a dying star to restart the forge at Nidavellir and Loki using the power of the stones.  Then the murals clarified again, in stark realism showing them reuniting on Midgard, side by side as they performed their great deeds since arriving as refugees on Earth.  

“That’s the end?” Loki asked.

“That’s the beginning.  The halls grow as stories are told to fill them.  So what falls to you Loki,”

“Is to go out there and create more stories for the humans to tell.”  Loki smiled in Odin’s presence for the first time in years, if not decades.

“Something you’ve always excelled at my boy.” Odin patted his shoulder approvingly.  Another gesture that had been a long time coming.

Loki paused dramatically.  “I do have one big question.”

Odin nodded.  “I know. We thought it best that you and Thor not know the truth.  I think perhaps I was wrong about that.”

Loki turned to him aghast.  “Perhaps?”

“The period of animosity that followed your discovery of your true birth was relatively brief all things considered.  Who knows what would have been different if you had grown up knowing all along?” Odin said as if from on high, as usual.

“I certainly don’t know and never will.”

Odin, as usual, ignored the question.  “Congratulations on your betrothal my son.”  

As he said his congratulations, the image of the hall faded into blackness.  Loki sat up bolt upright on his mat and looked around. Faint smoke tickled his nose.  The embers of the dying fire still crackled near his feet casting a dim light on his companions as they drunkenly slept with the memories of his stories fueling their dreams as they fueled the halls of Valhalla.  

Loki stoked the fire back up with a little wave of his hand and laid back down.  He gazed up at the night sky, focusing as he always did from Midgard on the bright star named in his honor by the ancient Norwegians. Even before he learned the truth that he was not born of Asgard, he had always doubted his place.  He had sought time and time again to prove himself to his father, his brother, and his peers but he had never believed he had succeeded. Seeing his own face emblazoning the walls of Valhalla surely should cure all his remaining doubts, he mused.  

But that was coupled with the knowledge that what powered his presence there were his stories.  The good, and the bad. Stories he would not always be around to tell himself. As he drifted off to sleep, he thought about what he could do to ensure that there would always be more to tell.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“So, how old do Asgardians usually get married anyway?”

Bruce and Loki sat poking at the fire while Thor and Valkyrie were off rummaging on their plane for something to cook for breakfast.  Bruce was looking a little rough as he hugged his sleeping bag around his shoulders and gingerly sipped his instant coffee from a reused beer can.  Loki thought to himself that he had seen more glamorous gatherings in the gladiatorial pits of Sakaar.

“Well, as you can imagine with a people who can live thousands of years, there’s great variety.  Asgardians reach maturity by around fifty. Some people are very keen and marry before their hundredth year, but if they live for another two thousand, well that’s a very long time to spend with someone.”  The questions were impertinent but Loki enjoyed the opportunity to wax poetic about his lost homeworld.

“That makes sense.  Are you young or old to be getting married then?”

“Honestly I have no idea.  Not everyone on Asgard is a god.  And I’m a god made from parts like Frankenstein’s monster.  I don’t know my lifespan. I don’t know when Odin first got married.  I didn’t even know he had a wife before mother until quite recently, that secret was kept from me for centuries.”

The personal turn took Bruce for a bit of a loop.  Feelings were not his specialty. Especially not the feelings of someone Hulk had smashed.

“Oh.  Um, wow that’s.  Do you want to, um, do you want to talk about that or,” Bruce stammered.

“Absolutely not.” Loki said without skipping a beat.

“Thank god.” Bruce said, relieved.

“You’re welcome.” Loki smiled as he took a sip of his own instant coffee.  After tasting it, he vowed it would be his last

“We can eat ship rations or we can fly to the mainland and eat at this place that,” Thor announced from halfway down the stairs.

“Yes,” said Bruce and the guest of honor as they stood up in unison.  Bruce promptly scuttled to the plane with his sleeping bag still wrapped around his shoulders, holding his pack.

“I’m sorry this didn’t turn out the way I had planned Loki.” Thor came over and patted his shoulder as Loki finished dousing out the campfire.  “You deserved better from me.”

“You know brother, actually.” Loki looked over at him with a smile, “It might have been just perfect.”

“You really mean that?” Thor smiled tentatively.  “Because we got to tell stories all day?”

“And because I got to see you fail at something.” Loki patted Thor’s shoulder in return.

“There it is.  Some things never change.”

“And never will.”  Loki looked at him meaningfully.

“I don’t know if I should be honored or angry.” Thor paused thoughtfully.

“Both.” Loki said.  He paused a moment. “I had a vision of Odin last night.”

“That seems fitting, maybe that’s what’s supposed to happen after the party!”

“I don’t think every last Asgardian groom gets visions of Valhalla after his bachelor party.  Anyway, did you know the halls there are adorned with etchings of our deeds and antics?”

“Yeah?  Do I look cool?” Thor flexed his muscles and winked.

“You look about how you always do.”

“So cool then.”  Thor grinned.

“Not the reaction I was expecting from your image is emblazoned on the ceilings of the afterlife.”

“Don’t get me wrong.  I’m very honored. And you said ‘our’ deeds?  You’re there too?”

“You and I are side by side in every drawing.”

“In Valhalla.  So you’re saying we will literally never get away from each other, even in death.”  Thor said, bemused.

“So it would seem.”

Thor smiled.  “I can think of worse fates brother.”

Loki concealed a smile.


End file.
